The
motorway drive.
They was loud lafhs
in the car me and Brady was excited we was going to Jamaca we was planning it
for ages it was a hot sunny day flying down the motorway.
There is wizing
spinning cars shooting down the M1, I smell strong ova powering diesel flying
up my nose There was a sound of good sweet engines, the wind was fundering.
Brady was all ways
the class clown and Jake was the cool popular won. Me and Jake was shooting
down the motor way and Jake turned left and a car bumped Jake and then his tire
fell off and then bang… Jake was knocked out and Brady maneged to stay up he
got out of the car and ran he looked back and the car went bang. People was
screeming and crying and when the car blew up sumet flung up and choped Brady
head of in a split of a second and then the police came and they was shocked
and they put the fire out and every thing went OK. But sadly Brady and Jake died.
There names was remembered.
Commentary
There
are clear problems with spelling, punctuation and agreement in this piece which
reduce the SSPS mark to 1. The story is very brief without any development of
character, atmosphere or feelings. The change of person is a weakness and the
vocabulary range is fairly narrow. There is, however, a discernible narrative
line with a clear start and end. For the Content and Organisation aspect it
deserves a Band 1 mark of 4 giving a total of 5 marks.