The Cemetery
One night
Mark was driving in the misty darkness up to the cemetry with four of his
friends called Jake, Stacey, and Jodie and jarred, it was Halloween they were
going up the hill to the cemetry when the wheel went bang. And the girls
screamed loudly. Jake when out to see what it was. It was the wheel with a
knife sliced in it.
The girls
were scared, Mark and the boys said Lets go for a walk in the cemetery. The
girls said I will if you keep close to me Jake and Mark said yes we will so
they went in to the mist. They were walking up the top of the cemetry and
Jarred said Look at that dead man up there. Stacey screamed saying wise up.
Then Jarred said look the dead man is in the corner of the cemetry. Jodie said
no he isn’t and slapped Jarred.
Stacey
was on her hands and knees crying saying to me don’t let go of me. Mark said
OK. Every time Jarred tried to scare them they didn’t believe him so they was
walking one time and Jarred saw a light but they said stop lying but 5 mins
later Stacey saw it then they all saw it. It was a dead man with a flashlight.
So they all started running then they stopped to see where the man was but he
wasn’t behind them. So they kept walking then they saw him again.
So they
ran to the gate and kept going till they saw something and they ran again until
they saw a caravan and they all ran there and knocked on the door. No one
answered so they walked in and Mark used the phone to ask his mother to come
and collect them. The phone was cut off and they saw the shadow of the man.
They ran out and hit him on the head. It was Marks father walking the dogs out
looking for them.
Mark
phoned the ambulance because he was knocked out he woke back up and said don’t
phone an ambulance. So Mark phoned them and said don’t bother coming he’s OK
now. Marks’s father was shouting at him for nicking a car and for popping the
wheel then Jake and Jarrod was laughing Marks father said I don’t know why you
are laughing for because I am telling your parent and the girls and he said
yeah.
Mark went
home and his mother was shouting at him. And saying you are grounded for two
weeks and you are paying for the wheel. And you are going to clean the car and
clean the house up for two weeks. After he was grounded Mark phoned the boys
and they said they was grounded to and he phoned the girls and they said they
was grounded and not allowed to bother with Mark.
Commentary
This student tells a basic narrative with
a clear development and outcome. He is able to structure the story with a
simple chronology but there is little development of character or atmosphere.
The range of vocabulary is very limited and the work is flawed with many errors
both in punctuation and agreement. It is paragraphed but lacks direct speech
punctuation. His choice of topic and approach is limiting though he does not
descend into totally unrealistic content as happens frequently when students
are tempted to stray into cemeteries. This work deserves a low Band 2 mark for
Content and Organisation and a Band 1 mark for SSPS. This gives the story a total
of 7 marks.
