On a lovely morning
Carl woke up to see the sun shining through the window and into his room. He
got out of bed and decided to go out with his friends. So he got dressed and
went down to get his breakfast and ring his mate Jamie he had brown hair blue
eyes and was very funny. He answered and said “Hello” and Carl said “I Jamie I
was wondering if to want to go out tonight?” he said “OK sure I will see you
later then” “OK” Carl said.
Then he realised that
he might not have enough money. He went to cheak his walit “Oh no!” there was
no money there. He got his car keys and ran out to his car. Got in put his
seatbelt on and put the engine on and drove to the bank. On the way there he
saw a supiceus black van driving to the back. He never thought anything of it.
It parked outside the bank and Carl pulled over and parked on the other side of
the road. He got out of his car and locked it up and went into the bank.
He was waiting in the
line in the bank then all of a sudden four robbers came in wereing black clothes
and a black mask. The robbers were shouting “Get on the floor now!” every one
got down petified. Two went down to the
vault and put C4 on the vault door and the other two robbers was pointing guns
at the hostages Carl was really scared and so was the hostages. There was a
young girl lying down next to him who was praying. She had blonde hair, brown
eyes and a lovely smile, Carl said to her that it was going to be OK, she said
“thank you.”
Then the other two
robbers came up and said 2 minutes. All of them said “OK”. Then they stared
whispering about how they are going to escape so Carl said to the young girl
“whats your name” She said “Kelly” “OK Kelly I need your help to get all the
innocent people out of here” and Kelly said “OK I’ll try my best” Carl smiled.
The robbers counted
down “5, 4, 3, 2, 1” There was a bang like fireworks in November. All the
robbers ran down to the vault to get all the money then the police pulled up
outside. Carl went around telling people its going to be OK and he was going to
get them out.
He was talking to the
person behind the counter and said “is there any way out” he said yes and
opened a secret hatch and I told everyone to go down and follow the path.
Every one went down
and followed the path and found a way out. Everyone was now thanking Carl and
Kelly that they had saved everyone. And the police moved into the bank and down
into the vault and only brought out three of the robbers. Carl was confused so
he ran in and remembered the secret hatch he opened it and there was the last
robber.
Carl got his money
out to go with Jamie and drove home to get dressed for his night out with
Jamie. He said “what a day!”
Commentary
The
story has some structure and the student has taken care to organise his work.
However, the opening is very conventional and does not greatly involve the
reader. The choice of content is unselective with many unnecessary details,
which do not advance the reader’s engagement. On the other hand, the chosen
vocabulary is suitable if simple. The punctuation and spelling are sometimes
accurate though the direct speech paragraphing is poor. Occasionally there are
agreement problems. The content is event driven and relies on action to
convince. The ending seems something of an anticlimax after the heroism.
This
is a very simple adventure story with some irrelevant sections. It is clear and
direct but the choice of approach leaves the reader feeling uninvolved. An
investigation of character, feelings and atmosphere and less action would have
improved it. The story deserves to gain a low Band 2 mark for Content and
Organisation and a Band 2 mark for the SSPS aspect, giving a total of 8 marks.